Weasel Stomping Day
by Lil' DeiDei
Summary: Sasuke finally discovers the solution to his Ultimate Goal! Listening to the internet has never backfired before; why would it now? Crack. No pairings.


**Weasel Stomping Day**

Sasuke pushed his chair away from the computer in the Konoha Central Library. If one were to observe him, they would note a grin spreading across his features; an unusual circumstance at the best of times, but stranger still for the qualities said grin possessed. His hands rubbed together in what was likely an unconscious, if not gleeful, manner as the whites of his teeth shone under his lips in a maniacal smile.

Sasuke closed the web browser and stood from his seat, a plan fully formed in his mind. And he owed it all to that rather… Weird… Al.

It was later reflected that perhaps the internet had provided the shinobi citizens of the Five Great Nations a little _too much_ inspiration in their dastardly plots, and it was thus decided by all that it would be a much smarter and better idea to get rid of the whole thing and never make any mention of it. Really, whoever had allowed Tobi and Hidan to view _I'm a Banana_ had just taken things too far.

* * *

Sakura was pleased when her crush appeared with a glorious smile upon his most handsome face. He was already so attractive, and yet, when he smiled, the sun was outshone by his beautiful teeth! And what lovely teeth he had! Actually, now that she looked a little longer, it was kind of odd that she could see each and every one of his teeth. She was almost positive that was not normal, but attributed it to the fact that her dear Sasuke-kun almost never smiled and was quite obviously out of practice.

Naruto, on the other hand, was a lot less subtle about things. "Sasuke, you baka, you look like you sat on a kunai handle and discovered why Kakashi-sensei likes those books of his so much."

Kakashi tittered, trying to at least make it sound like a manly titter, but ultimately failing.

"No," Sasuke said, pretty much ignoring everything that was happening other than Naruto's vague allusion to a question regarding his big grin. "I finally discovered how to wipe my brother's existence from the face of the planet!"

"… Oh. Okay then," Naruto said, shrugging. He turned back to inspecting the grass.

Not one to give up on the love of her life, however, Sakura motioned for Sasuke to explain and gave him what she hoped was an encouraging look.

"Well," Sasuke began pretentiously. "I was sitting in the library, looking at my email, checking out jutsu and such on the internet, when I came across a video that seemed… unbelievably related to my quest!"

"Okay…" Sakura said, eyebrows raised.

Kakashi lowered his book ever-so-slightly, unable to deny that he too was curious. How could Sasuke Google something about killing Itachi? How many other psychopathic ninja-teens made it their life's goal to slay their murderous elder brothers?

"So, of course, I clicked the link and a video played that was life-altering!" Sasuke proclaimed.

"OH MY GOD!" Naruto suddenly shouted, evidently having understood more to the tale than either of the other two teammates. "You found Jesus!"

Sasuke's eyes twitched, but he held steadfast and provided no other reaction to his friend. "Anyway, the video was by a genius man whom they call 'Weird Al' and—"

He was interrupted by the sound of Kakashi snorting and choking on his own spit and laughter. "Something you wanted to share, Sensei?" Sasuke asked in a snarky tone.

"No, no," replied Kakashi, airily waving a hand as he wiped his eye. "Carry on."

"As I was saying," Sasuke continued a few moments later when he was satisfied he had glared Kakashi into submission. "This video was most helpful and instructional. But…" the boy hesitated. "I may need some help."

* * *

"So let me get this straight," said Naruto, setting his shovel aside for the moment to wipe his brow. "We're spreading this white goop across the lawns of the Uchiha Compound in the hopes that it attracts the man Sasuke wants to kill above all else to Konoha, whereupon Sasuke is going to… do what again, exactly?"

Sakura sighed impatiently. As if the reasoning behind all this was plainly obvious; pfft, no. "Geez, Naruto. We're helping Sasuke get Itachi here so we can stomp his guts right out."

"Yeah. That's what I thought Sasuke said."

"What I want to know," Kakashi provided his input, "is what exactly that singer was taking when he wrote that song."

Naruto merely shook his head. "I am sure you don't actually want to know that, Sensei."

Kakashi shrugged in agreement. "Good point."

"Guys, are you nearly done? I have to go find a Viking helmet now! I don't even know what a Viking is!" Sasuke yelled from his house.

Sakura giggled as Naruto and Kakashi exchanged sympathetic eye rolls with one another.

* * *

Waiting in the bushes of his front lawn, Sasuke referred back to his list yet again to ensure he had done everything according to the directions Weird Al Yankovic-sama outlined in his masterful song. "Viking helmet—check, though I am still pretty sure Shikamaru made all that stuff about boats up; mayonnaise—check, thanks guys," he said, uncaring of their glares. "Ninja boots—check. Oh no!" he gasped in horror. "I just realized it's meant to be a holiday! Does it matter that today is only the sixth of July, and nothing special in particular?" He looked so sad, so distraught, Sakura had no choice but to vigorously shake her head and assure him everything would go spectacularly and he'd be cleaning his brother off his shoes in no time at all. She wanted also to shove his face in her bosom for Ultimate Comfort but something told her he was not above getting extra stomping practice in while they waited for their weaselly quarry.

"Do you think we can safely leave these two nut jobs here without them noticing?" Naruto asked his teacher.

Kakashi looked at his other two students, one of whom was still smiling with an evil, malicious intent while the other looked as though she was contemplating the best way to fully and totally eradicate the first's purity, then turned his head back to the blonde. "Yeah, I think we're good. Wanna go get some ramen?" he offered.

Naruto's eyes lit up. "Of course I do, dattebayo!"

"Your treat!" Kakashi said, smiling in his typical manner.

Naruto was far too excited to really understand what that meant until much later when he actually had to pay for his twenty-six bowls of ramen, and Kakashi's single cup of miso.

But in other news, Sasuke and Sakura waited out the night behind that bush and wondered why nothing was happening.

"I mean, seriously, we've been alone for six hours! Why isn't he groping me?" Poor Sakura had no idea she was no longer thinking to her Inner, but was in fact talking aloud.

Luckily for her, Sasuke was too busy griping over the fact that they had acquired at great expense all the mayo in Konoha, and his measly weasel of a brother still hadn't had the decency to show himself to die. "Honestly, how selfish can he be?" he complained.

Deciding she didn't want to waste the opportunity with needless whining on her part, Sakura sidled up closer to Sasuke and hesitantly patted his arm. "There, there, Sasuke-kun. I'm sure we'll be able to kill your brother very soon."

Well, you know what they say. Speak of the Devil, and he shall come. Or appear. Or something along those lines.

"Foolish Otoutou," a very deep and manly voice calmly began from the road in front of the lawn of the bush the two genin were concealed behind. "Why… is there mayonnaise on the lawn?"

Sasuke flung two kunai in the direction of the manly voice, and stood from his hiding place. "Itachi! You bastard! I'm finally going to kill you, you dumb weasel!"

"Oh, wow, it really is mayo," another voice interrupted what was sure to be an exciting exchange of long, sleep-inducing monologues.

"Kisame," Itachi said in a tone that may have been impatient if one had the skills to differentiate between the tones Uchiha relied upon for general conversation. "Don't eat that. It's been on the ground. The last thing on that grass was my father's blood. Don't eat my father."

Kisame looked very confused and was effectively removed from the situation because it took so much of his attention to ponder his partner's words.

Sakura rolled her eyes. This was quite ridiculous. She wanted to see a Sexy Uchiha Battle, for crying out loud!

"Don't ignore me!" Sasuke yelled petulantly, flinging more weapons at his brother that all either missed or were effortlessly knocked away without Itachi seeming to even move. "I'm going to stomp your guts out!"

Sakura, remembering her cue, rushed over to the laptop they had borrowed from the library and turned the volume up.

Itachi rolled his eyes at the theatrics and made as if to lecture his brother, but was stopped by the sheer strangeness of the song the pink haired girl put on to play.

"Is that… a weasel stomping noise?" he asked as the words of the song flowed to his ears. His body twitched. "I… have never been more irritated that our parents named me 'Itachi' than now," he confided to his younger brother.

Sasuke smirked gleefully. "I do hope you realize, dear brother, the implications behind all this." He stood in what he imagined was a glorious battle pose, full of poise and highlighting his commanding personality. Incidentally, it was also a great position for the sun to gleam on his newly polished ninja boots and Viking helmet.

Kisame blinked. "Oh my god, a vintage Viking helmet! Where did you get it?!" he squealed, running up to Sasuke and practically drooling over the young ninja's headgear.

"What." Itachi was dumbfounded.

Sasuke, suitably distracted by Kisame's apparent interest in his garb, allowed himself to deign to talk to his brother's minion—partner—for a few minutes. Sakura had the song on repeat, and really, Itachi had already waited four years to die. Five more minutes wouldn't really kill him. Hehe, pun intended.

"Oh you know," Sakura said, eying this new Uchiha with no subtlety. "Viking helmets aren't really all that common, and I guess Kisame, being from the Mist Village, has a deep fondness for them."

Itachi turned towards the girl. "You seem like a reasonable kunoichi. Just why is my brother trying to stomp my guts out with mayonnaise?"

She shook her head. "Silly Itachi. The mayo was to lure you here! Weasels like mayo," she informed him.

A strange look came over Itachi's face that Sakura could not explain. Had she been a Yamanaka or other mind reader, she would have known that what was going through the more experienced shinobi's head was something along the lines of, "Dear goodness, am I sure I applied the right genjutsu to my Foolish Otouto all those years ago? Surely something went wrong."

"You think I can have it when you're done?" Kisame asked, eyes all big and cute and chibi-ish.

Sasuke felt himself caving in. He took pity on the giant fish, and said, "Sure, but only if you promise to stay out of this battle. And you have to polish it every week."

Kisame could barely contain himself. Jumping up and down like a school girl on high fructose corn syrup, he ran over to Itachi to share his good news.

A blank stare was all the response he could get out of the stoic Uchiha, who turned to his fellow blood-sharer and said, "Are you going to kill me now or what? I have a reservation at a teashop for three thirty precisely, and I daren't be late."

"AAAAARGH!" Sasuke yelled in response, rushing forward, boots at the ready.

Itachi stuck his fingers out and Sasuke smacked to the ground. "Ouch! Dagnammit, foiled by the two fingered strike again!" Sasuke cried. "Well, not this time!"

Sakura, sensing a change in the mood quickly adjusted the YouTube station to Chumbawamba's song, _Tubthumping_, better known as, "I get knocked down."

Right on cue, Sasuke leapt back up and ran at Itachi again.

Giggling to herself, Sakura realized that she had a perfect YouTube video in the making here, what with the battle timing perfectly to the music, and she whipped a video camera out of nowhere.

The two turned to her, annoyance clear on their expressions. "Hey, you mind?" Sasuke demanded.

"Sorry," she said sheepishly, going back to Weird Al. It was just in time, too, as Sasuke had finally pinned Itachi down and was raising his boot…

And going in for the kill…

And…

And…

"Oooonk." Itachi let out a big snore, then snuggled deeper into the mayo-spread grass.

Sasuke stared. And blinked. And stared. And stared some more. "Is… is he sleeping? Is my dagnammed, no good, dirty, rotten, evil, murderous, cantankerous, inconceivably malevolent brother sleeping?!" he yelled.

"I do not think those words mean what you think they mean," said Kisame in a helpful manner.

"DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE?!" Sasuke yelled. Silly Kisame, this is what you get for being helpful. "I can't kill him if he doesn't fight back! It doesn't count!"

Kisame, having no yet learned his lesson, continued being helpful. "Well, technically, when he killed all your family, they didn't fight back either. Since it was around three in the morning, and all."

Sasuke's face underwent a change. No, literally, he activated his Cursed Seal, and his face turned purple. His boot came crashing down and Itachi's head popped off and rolled merrily across the lawn. "VENGEAAAAAANCE!" he yelled. "FOR MOTHER!"

"FOR FATHER!" he shouted.

"FOR GRYFFINDOR!" Sakura joined in.

Sasuke looked at her.

"Hehe. I'll just wait over here…" she said sheepishly.

Sasuke stomped on his brother's corpse for a good five minutes longer before he felt satisfied, and then he stopped suddenly, chest heaving from the exertion and rage.

Turning away from the body, Sasuke face the sunset like a man, and removed his Viking helmet. "Here," he said, his voice suddenly husky in a way that made it nearly impossible for Sakura to prevent herself from jumping him right there on the lawn. He passed the helmet to Kisame. "I am a man of my word," he continued.

"Rock on!" Kisame cheered, placing the helmet meticulously in a wooden box he carried on his person for occasions such as these.

"So…"

"Yes, Sasuke?" Sakura asked, hoping now was the time he would finally hold her hands and kiss her and fulfill his Clan Duties, if you know what I mean.

"Now what?"


End file.
